causehehatesher

When day turns to night

2007-12-07T20:31:06Z

A week went by, and our conversations were the same. Then came Wednesday, my birthday. I thought it was going to be good, I mean I was turning 16!

The day went by great, but as I walked home from school with my brother, he satrted yelling at me for some stupid reason. He walked ahead and of course got home before me. I walked up to the door and turned the handle finding it locked. Whatever, I thought, he locked me out, but I have a key. I got them out of my purse and jammed it in the lock, when I turned it, it unlocked, but when I turned the knob, I found it locked, again. That stupid prick was locking the door after I unlocked it. I got so mad I stormed off. I sat in my driveway, crying. I then called Laura and told her what happened. She decided to call my house to get him to stop being a god damn douche and open the door.

I finally got in and sat on the couch, staring blankly at the wall. I was still so pissed at him. I texted Alex and told him what happened. We texted for about an hour and in that time, we decided he would come over and walk with me to blow off some steam. I was kind of nervous, seeing as I hadn't seen him since last year.

When he came, we started walking towards the park, not saying anything. After a couple of minutes, he turned to me and said Happy Birthday. Yeah, thanks, but it hasn't been that great of a birthday so far, I thought. We talked about anything and everything as we walked, and while we were at the park.

After about 2 hours, we started walking back home again. We didn't go home though, just walked around wandering the streets. Sometime between starting walking again, and getting to my street, we started holding hands. For about another hour, we walked aimlessly. My mom called telling me I had to come home now. So we started walking to my house. When we got there, we stood by my door saying useless things. Just then, he bent down and kissed me. I was screaming inside, I was so happy. We kissed for another 10 minutes before I opened the door and walked in, with a smile on my face. I got ready for bed, replaying everything that had happened that night.

Happiness, I thought, had finally come to me.

When day turns to night

2007-11-23T22:31:16Z

Chapter 2

The year went by the same way. Everyday I saw Alex, my heart would skip a beat, I would catch myself and then tell myself I'm only disappointing myself. I always hung out with my friends and had a great time at lunch. The classes were always the same ones, and they were always boring.

I passed the year...barely, but I was still content. I was also happy because I was headed to Florida the day after my sister's prom.

On the Wednesday before we left, I started packing, knowing I was going to leave it to the last minute if I didn't do it then. I jumped in surprise when the phone rang, and picked it up.
"Hello?"
"Hey Steph, it's Laura"
"Oh hey Laura, what's up?"
"Nothing much, I just called to say I'm gonna miss you."
"I'm gonna miss you too, I'm leaving in like 3 days"
"I KNOW!"
"sigh.....for two weeks, that's so long!"
"You suck Steph!"
"I know, but what can you do?"
"Nothing......I guess. Anyway..I'm gonna go now. I'll talk to you tomorrow kay?"
"Alright, bye" I hung up the phone and stood there motionless for a minute. God I was going to miss her, I thought. I had never been away from Laura that long, and I know it seems like I'm talking as if we were dating, but it's true, I was always with her. I returned to my packing as I thought of how excited I was. When I was finished, I went to the computer and signed onto msn. Seeing no one on, I signed off and watched tv.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Florida was amazing. It was hot as hell, but it was so fun. We went to Universal, 3 TIMES! Then we went to Miami, we shopped, I got a tattoo and just had a blast. On the last day, I was kind of upset to go back home, but glad to see everyone again.

The drive home was long and boring, just like the ride there. As we drove past the border, I suddenly got giddy, not wanting to wait the hour long dive back home, to see my friends. Although I knew I wasn't going to be able to see them for like another 5 days, I was still excited none the less.

I was so pissed to realize that I had done shit all during the summer. Minus Florida and a couple of parties, I had done nothing, accomplished nothing. The only reason I wanted to go back to school was to see all of my friends again. I had only seen Laura and Daisy during the summer and I couldn't wait to see everyone else. Looking around my room, making sure I wasn't forgetting anything, I left and headed for the bus stop. After a 10 minute walk, I got there, stood and waited with Shawn, my brother, for the bus. It finally came and we got on, taking our rightful place in the back.

As we got to school, I looked out the window and saw all of my friends standing together talking and laughing. I ran to them as I got off the bus and gave Laura the first hug. Next came Daisy, then Kim, and then Luke, and finally, everyone else. I was so glad to see everyone again. That day went by like any other first day of school. We got our lockers, went to each class to get our material list, ate lunch and headed home.

When I got home, I went downstairs, put my bag in my room, went to the living room to turn the computer on and went to the bathroom. When I came out of the bathroom and logged into my msn, I saw the I had 3 new e-mails. It was weird, because I usually get junk e-mail, but this time, they were all from Facebook. I logged on to my Facebook and saw 1 friend request and 2 notifications. The 2 notifications were from Laura, writing on my wall, and my friend request was from someone I had never expected to ever see or hear about ever again; Alex. I added him reluctantly and left it at that. Although I wondered why he would ever want to add me,(because like I said before, we had never talked) I decided to wait until he wrote to me before I asked any questions. I sat there, still stunned. I hadn't even thought about him all summer, which was surprising to me, and now, he walks into my life. I decided to just sit back and see how it went.

The next day when I logged on, I saw that he wrote on my wall. "so we never actually talked but i have a good reason lol. how are you?" I read it twice before I started wondering what that reason might be. I decided to reply with,"lol I'm good...grade 11's going good for me[so far] lol, it's only been like 2 weeks. I'm just glad I don't have Armstrong again lol..you?" We talked a bit about my classes and shit like that before I remembered about his "reason." When I asked him about it, he told me that it was kind of between him and I so I told him to add me on msn. There, we talked about the reason, and believe me, it was a good one. After discussing the reason, he told me he always liked me. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?!?! I thought to myself. I had liked him all last year, and had tried to force myself not to like him, which by the way had never worked, and the whole time he liked me back! Before screaming at myself for being so stupid, I remembered that we had never shared a conversation together, well except for those 2 lines for which I can't remember them. I was so happy. For once, the guy I liked, liked me back.

I was a bit upset when the conversation had to end, but I was happy because of what I had found out.

When day turns to night

2007-11-23T04:56:06Z

Chapter 1

Love is something that can't be bought. It comes to you even if you don't want it to. Every time someone falls in love, there's a story,whether it's good or bad, there's always one so here's mine.

I woke up one morning to the sound of my stupid alarm. Turning it off, I slowly rose from my bed, put on my slippers and got ready for another brutal day of school. For me, the only good thing that came out of school was seeing my friends. Other than that, it wasn't good for much else.

As I straightened my hair, I wondered what I was going to wear that day, and what plans I had for the weekend. The closest I came to answering any of the two was..I'm going to wear something and I'll do something this weekend. So maybe I was lying about doing something, so what? The reality of it was, I never did anything on the weekend. Well, I did do homework....FUN! Whatever, I didn't care. I had no boyfriend, my friends always did things among themselves and never thought to tag me along, so I always ended up spending my weekends sitting by the computer hoping someone would magically have nothing better do to than to talk to me, or sit in front of the tv eating.

After getting dressed, eating, putting on some sort of pretty face on, i.e. make up, brushing my teeth and getting my things ready, I reluctantly got into the car and prepared myself for another horrible day. It's not like I'm trying to say my life is horrible, take pity on me blah blah blah, not at all, it's just....uneventful that's all.

I kissed my dad goodbye and walked into one of the worst places on earth. Getting my books ready for my next two classes, English and Science, I realized that someone was behind me.
"Hey Steph"
"Oh hey Laura" I said giving her a hug. Laura was my best friend, has been since Kindergarten.
"So how are you?" she asked me.
"I'm fine.." I replied. Although she knew I was lying, she didn't press the matter. If I didn't want to talk, she understood. We stood by my locker talking about anything until the bell rang. We said goodbye as she turned to walk off to Math and I to English.

English class was normal; bell rings, teacher talks for 90% of the class and then we read. Let's just say my teacher got easily distracted, anything you would say, he would go on talking about it forever. I didn't mind it, it was just that it was the same thing class after class. Soon the bell rang again and everyone got up and walked off to their next class, mine being Science. I hated Science. Since the beginning of time, Science and I have never really connected.

As I walked into class, I saw Kim and Cynthia at their desk talking so I walked over and joined them. I set my books down on the desk in front of them and joined their conversation about shopping. It wasn't a surprising topic since that's all Cynthia ever does or talks about, but I didn't mind it. I stepped up and saw something behind Kim. When I moved my head to look, I saw some guy. I had almost forgot he was in our class since he almost never showed up, but he was gorgeous, his name was Alex I think. In my opinion, no other person could beat him, he had a sort of...je ne sais quoi sort of thing going on. I don't know what it was about him, but that something attracted me to him. Knowing I liked him only disappointed me more because I knew that with a guy like him, nothing would ever happen between us. It didn't help that we never said a word to each other. Knowing that, and the fact that I wasn't that pretty, I forced myself to let it go.

Science was not surprisingly boring, except the fact that I sit beside Daisy, one of my closest friends. We always laugh and do shit all in that class, that's what keeps me alive.

As the day progressed, it got even duller with the exception of lunch. Lunch is always fun; mostly. Everybody always laughs and has a blast at lunch. My group is the loudest group ever, but we're the funnest. This lunch though, Laura begged me to go to the caf with her, so I decided to go. As we walked down, we talked about our day so far, what had happened etc. As we turned the corner, I saw him. He was there every lunch, but I don't know what happened this time, I just kind of froze on the inside. I was talking and walking and shit, but my heart kind of just stopped. I again forced myself to let it go. Nothing was ever going to happen between us and I had to realize it. Besides, He had a girlfriend, I saw her once, when he brought her into Science class.

After that, the day was boring. Nothing exciting happened, I went home, did my homework, ate, showered, went on msn and went to bed.

It's all up to you now

2007-11-18T03:00:46Z

I don't understand why he doesn't tell me things. Why can't he be like, oh I'm going to the mall with this person....it upsets me to find these things out from someone else. Why does he feel compelled to hide things from me? It's not like I'm gonna yell at him for wanting to go out.I keep telling him that I'm NOT like his ex....but.....I don't know....It just really bothers me. I don't know what to do, I don't know what to think, I don't know what to say....I just don't know. I don't want to say or think this, but sometimes I find myself asking, does he really love me? And it kills me inside to doubt his love, but...I'm so confused right now. My heart aches out for him..but does he feels the same for me? When it comes down to it, will he have the will to say, you're the one I want? I care for him...I love him for god's sake...I'm just sooo confused. I'm doubting everything....and I know I shouldn't be. I want to ask him things, but I'm not an upfront kind of person. It would be so much easier if I was the only person in the picture...."What am I supposed to do, when it's all a lie?"

To You

2007-10-09T01:30:06Z

I don't expect anyone to understand what I'm going through
If anybody asks, I won't tell them
If you haven't gotten it by now, I don't talk about my problems
I find it pointless, as I feel it never solves any of them
Rough patches...bumps in the road..that's what people call them right?
Well imagine those, all over..that's my life
I'm the crust of the bread, the dandylion...the shit you don't want, that's me
I'm supposed to be happy, that I know, but I can't seem to be
With great friends to support me, I might be able to get through this episode
But then again, I might not.... it all depends on my emotions
They seem to have found a mind of their own, and now I'm afraid
That I'll never be able to understand them
Right now, they read confused, dazed, upset, understanding
They are all meant for one situation, the last being the strongest
Take your time to read this, contemplate it
And figure out what you're gonna do about it
Meanwhile, I'll be waiting, right here...
until you make up your mind and tell me
You make me happy, so why would I be with anyone else
I don't care about your problems or issues
No one is perfect and that I can relate to
I'm not a hypocrite, so now you can understand
We are different, yet them same
I love you and you know it
You love me and I know it
So I'll wait
until you're ready
<3

Every little thing aggravates me
don't know why, don't really care
should I be happy right now?
probably...
am I?
of course not
don't ask me why,
chances are I won't tell you
it's better for everyone if you just don't go there
I do it to everyone, don't seem so surprised
I don't wanna isolate you, or make you feel bad
I have many problems, why do you still want to see me?
I don't understand
I talk way to much about nothing,
but when it comes down to the important things
my mouth runs dry
I'm sorry for the pointless things I've put on your shoulders
and the times I've frustrated you
I'm not used to anyone being so close
it scares me to think you still wanna be with me
but makes me happy when you tell me you do
I have too many issues and problems
that I don't even remember any of them
I ask you not to question this,
cause I don't have any answers
I feel uncomfortable talking about myself for too long
I tell you all these things from a computer screen,
but can't seem to tell you to your face
maybe it's cause it makes me feel like it's not as personal
or just because I'm afraid of what you'll think
After all this, you tell me you still love me
and I believe you, trust me I do, and I want you to know I love you too
but inside I feel weird
and I can't explain it
I feel there's something wrong with me
it's not that I don't want to be loved
I just feel as though I don't deserve to be loved
again don't ask me to elaborate,
I never seem to find any answers to anything
it's another thing you'll just have to deal with
you say you have problems
and you do
but so do I
<3

I Am Me

2007-09-01T01:10:52Z

I'm Steph, you either love me or hate me. You decide which one it's gonna be, but don't decide before you talk to me, you have to have a reason behind the hate. I'm about 5'4 with green eyes and long-ish dark brown hair. Label me if you want, I don't really care, I'll just ignore the label. Family, friends, music and acting are my life. I do wish to become an actress "when I grow up." I've had the same best friend since kindergarten, and I don't plan on changing that any time soon. I do have other REALLY close friends, and they know who they are, but no one can compare to Laura. We've been through thick and thin, hot and cold, and we've always come out on top. We've realized together that we don't have to spend every waking minute together to be considered best friends, I don't always spend my lunch hour at school with her, but that makes the time we do spend together, that much more special. I treat her like a sister, and she does the same. I'm often afraid, or too stubborn to ask for help, which makes the things I do a little more difficult, but that's the way I am. I won't always show or tell people how I'm feeling, because, again I'm too stubborn. I want to be able to say I've accomplished all things on my own, but sometimes, it just can't be done. Although I've already come to understand this, I seem to have something in me that still wants to feel the feeling of self-accomplishment.

Can you tell she's hurting?

2007-05-11T02:47:13Z

She stands in front of you, do you notice her?

She calls your name, do you hear her?

She talks about you all the time, do you talk about her?

She longs for you, do you long for her?

Questions she asks herself all the time. She wants to stop, you make it impossible. She hides her pain everyday, shrugs it off every morning but pulls it back on every night. She sleeps with the pain. Although I would like to say she eats with the pain, you make her lose her appetite when she sees you. As much as she admits it's pathetic, she can't deny the fact that it's the truth. She tries to run away from it all, only to find it has been chasing her the whole way. She doesn't want pity, so don't give it to her. She wants it to stop. All the pain she feels, the happiness she longs for, the dreams she wants to come true, is not what she wants; she wants the pain to go away, she wants the happiness now and she wants the dreams to BE true, but she knows it's not going to happen. "You're beautiful" they tell her, but why doesn't anyone love her? As you read this, you might think it's another cliché story, but it's not, it's her story......her life.....and she doesn't want it anymore.

They say her life is perfect....that's what SHE thinks!

2007-05-01T01:54:32Z

''They say her life is perfect...

They say her life is perfect...
then why does she cry?

They say her life is perfect...
then why is her mom never home?

They say her life is perfect...
then why is her dad dieing?

They say her life is perfect...
then why do people hate her because they want her bf?

They say her life is perfect...
then why did the only father figure she ever had die?

They say her life is perfect...
then why does one of her best friends fight with her bf?

They say her life is perfect...
then why is she always all alone?

They say her life is perfect...
then why isn't she at the top of her class?

They say her life is perfect...
then why do only 3 people actually know the real her?

They say her life is perfect...
then why did one of her best friends move away?

They say her life is perfect...
then why is her family split apart?

They say her life is perfect....
but why don't they even take a minute to know how much shes hurting?

They say her life is perfect...
but no one will help her with whats really bothering her?

They say her life is perfect...
but why do all her plants die?

They say her life is perfect...
but why did her cat die?

They say her life is perfect...
then why doesn't anyone know about all the pain she's holding inside?

They say her life is perfect...
therefore shes not allowed to be sad, shes not allowed to cry because this girl is perfect.

Having a bf doesn't make any girls life perfect and maybe you should just give the girl a chance and ask her why she cries nxt time you see her.theres no such thing as perfect and we all have problems.?''

Life isn't perfect, get over it honey. Plants die cause that's what they do, just like human beings. Plants die cause YOU don't take care of them. Plants dying is not a reason why "the girls" life isn't perfect. People hate her cause her bf deserves better.....that's what they think. People hate her cause she hates them back. People hate her cause she lies straight to their faces. People hate her, but guess what? people are always gonna hate her, cause that's the vicious cycle called LIFE. Nobody said her life was perfect, she just implied they did. Yeah, we all have problems, but not everyone declares it just to get attention. So what makes her so god damn special that we have to ask her why she cries the next time we see her? Everyone else cries, but we don't do a god damn thing about it. So in actual fact, the next time you see "the girl" tell her to get over herself, cause if she can't face the reality of high school, she's gonna die in the real world. Everyone wants to feel special every once in a while, but only "the girl" demands it 24 fucking 7, whether she realizes it or not!

Pills don't make anything better

2007-04-05T22:08:41Z

You try and make things better, but make them 10 times worse. Just leave me alone for once, and maybe I'll solve myself. I don't know if I'm the only one who sees it, but you've become addicted to your lies. Do you actually believe, anyone will care, when it all goes to hell? I didn't think so.

They tell me not to hold a grudge, but hun, they're not in my shoes are they? You'll forget about it, I won't, and that's the difference between you and me. Later on, you'll ask for help, but where were you when I actually asked for some help? Helping me when I don't need any doesn't do much good does it? Why do you always think I have a problem? It's like no one can sit by themselves, read a book alone, or listen to their music alone without anyone asking what's wrong. Everyone knows I won't tell anyone anything, so what makes you so god damn better?

I'm sick of this, and we both know it. So go back to your boyfriend, live happily ever after and let me live my fan-fucking-tastic life, ok?

causehehatesher @ 2007-01-27T16:49:00

2007-01-27T21:51:52Z

Wow, it's been a while since I've posted a Journal entry, oh well, been busy that's all, it's not like anyone reads this anyway! lol, Laughing with myself, showing people the loser I am. Ha oh well, can't do anything about it. talk to whoever reads this later! Byez

causehehatesher @ 2007-01-01T15:58:00

2007-01-01T20:58:52Z

The New Year has come, and we wave goodbye to the old one. I sit in front of my computer, thinking of the good times....and the bad. I can hardly believe 2006 has already pasted. It's great. Hopefully, this year will be better because last year was not as good as it could have been. But for some reason, I feel like it's mostly my fault. I have done so many things this past year which I could've done differently. A lot of my friends tell me not to be so hard on myself, but it's hard. I have no regrets, only lessons made. Friends and family have made my year a little better than it was, and I thank them, for without any support, I fear I might not have made it through the year as sane as I did. I am also very thankful to all the bands who's music I listen to, because without the music, there would be no chance of making it through the first half of the school year. When I go back to school in about a week, I hope that my friends will still be there for me through the tough second half of the school year.

Happy New Year to all that read this!

causehehatesher @ 2006-11-19T21:03:00

2006-11-20T02:03:01Z

Can you make it stop, the yelling? As you try to run away from it all, it somehow manages to find you. At school people push and shove you, calling you names. As you try to stay unnoticed, the voices only grow louder, making you crazy. They laugh at you, circling around you as you scream at them. There's nothing anyone can do for you now, you realize this as you're sitting in your bathroom. With tear stained cheeks and razors in hand, you think it's the only way. As the cold stainless steel touches your wrist, you remember your family. They love you so much, but would they cry for you at your funeral? Opening the door, you run to the phone, dialing 1 800 688 6868. As the phone rings, you beg them to answer. When they do you start talking not caring if anyone hears you. When you're done they give you the best piece of advice ever given to you; don't be afraid to be or to love yourself, once you do, people will see the joy in your eyes.Don't be afraid to admit to yourself that you need help, cause that's the first step to getting some. With that, you hang up the phone, smiling through the tears. The first thing you do when your mom gets home is hug her as hard as you can and tell her you love her. Although she thinks it's a bit strange, she is happy to see the same happiness on your face that disappeared some years ago. You hold the embrace for a moment and when you finally let go, you smile, feeling all the weight that was on your shoulders, just float away.

Kids Help Phone

causehehatesher @ 2006-10-30T21:59:00

2006-10-31T03:18:22Z

Things change, you know. But sometimes,I wish we could go back in time to how it used to be. Me,You and everyone as friends,no fights or arguments,just..... normal I guess. When you go out,you'll forget about me,looking at the other girls,twisting and turning on the fucking pole. You enjoy it now, but regret it later, when no one will speak to you, you ignorant pig-headed bastard. I love to hate you, but hate to love you too, why do you make it so god-damned hard, to choose between the two. If I seem harsh, it's only cause it's the truth, hasn't anyone ever told you? the truth hurts....and so does love, maybe that's why it's so easy to hate you.

causehehatesher @ 2006-10-19T22:31:00

2006-10-20T02:51:12Z

Can you hear it? The ticking in this empty room? Is it just me, am I going crazy? It's impossible to believe, that you would do this to me. You're not the person I thought you were. Not a friend nor an enemy, but somewhere in between. I love to hate you, the flame inside my heart swells when I speak your name. In some ways you're bearable, in others you're not. It takes me forever, to answer the questions to your game, you leave me hanging every single time. I thought it was a dream, when I saw you with her, but when the person behind me pushed me aside, I was still there looking at you and you were still there kissing her. "It's not what it looked like," you tell me after you've spotted me. If it wasn't, then what was it? I know my eye sight isn't the best, but I'm not fucking blind. Lying in my bed, thinking of the old times, I write them down and burn them, not ever wanting them to cross my mind again. I'll never figure out, how you ripped my heart out from my deathly grip, but you managed and I'm forever broken, not knowing if I'll ever find love once more. Your "toy" is satisfying you, but you think of me, wondering why you ever let me go. But now I've found the bridge I've been searching for, while you keep looking for yours. I've always known, deep down in my heart, that I was, and still am, The sole survivor.

It's not your fault, oh wait, yes it is.

2006-10-14T03:17:56Z

I don't like it, this new person you've become. You said you wouldn't change, but you did, and it sucks. Every time you're with him, no one else matters. It's good in a way, but horrible in another. No body can speak, look or even sit beside him, you'd get jealous, it's not like I'd steal him from you.I thought you were my friend, but yet you don't trust me? I don't get it. Why did you have to change? I liked the old you. As I sit here writing, you're with him, and I can't help but think about it, I'm not there and you probably don't care.You finally got your way......are you happy now?

Can You See It Now?

2006-09-24T00:12:50Z

She sees it in your eyes, you don't really love her, but hey, it's ok, you never really deserved her. She crys at night, you broke her heart, she gave you everything and got nothing in return.10 years from now, you'll have nothing left, you used all the innocent girls, and no one likes you anymore, but she'll be with the perfect guy. You'll envy her, but deep down, you know it's your fault. In her mind she thanks you, cause if you didn't crush her down to the floor, she wouldn't have gotten back up 5 times stronger. In school, you stand in your group looking all proud while she walks in the halls hiding behind her books trying to ignore all the stares and whispers. As I comfort her, saying it'll be alright, you're laughing at your stupid jokes, cause that's what you do. You break hearts and I mend them, you're an ass, and people love me, 2 different people living 2 different lives, yet they all come down to one thing, we both know what you really are; worthless.

P.S. I'm not full of hate and anger, it just comes out that way.

You think your life's tough, try being her.

2006-09-21T23:36:27Z

The Pain in my heart aches every day, and I can't keep it under control. I tried to stop it, but I don't know how, it's eating me up, from the inside out. I go to school, and try to forget, I'll never be able to hide, it always knows where I am. In classes I can't concentrate, I'm focussing on something else. I don't want it to continue, to devour me whole, but it is, and I'm scared, aren't I supposed to be? I'm almost fully consumed now, by this thing inside me, cause I never asked for help. But then again, how would people understand, when they've never delt with the same thing. Saying goodbye, to the people I love is almost as hard as dealing with the fact, that this thing consuming me, is my other half.

And You Wait

2006-09-12T01:35:23Z

Looking around and all I see is monsters. They're all around me and won't go away. All my "friends" turn against me, now I'm all alone, in this nightmare called life, where everyone around me cares what everyone else thinks. You'd think I'd be like that, but oh no, I won't ever be like that. Scary voices in my head, tell me that he loves me, but can I always be sure? it's a pain to play the game, when you know you'll never win. So I'm sitting in the corner now, hoping they won't see me, the walls are closing in on me, I can't hear, I can't see, I can't breath, I can't.....